Imposter, Imposter: Struggling with self-worth, perfection, and acceptance
By: Arielle Hall
Sometimes, it feels like your work isn’t good enough. That the effort you put in day in and day out will amount to nothing more than a pile of rejection letters from dream internships, graduate schools, and employers - and sometimes that’s okay. But when the feeling turns into an ideology that feels like you’re only as good as your successes or failures - then it becomes a problem.
More than 70% of people in the U.S deal with Imposter Syndrome, a psychological phenomenon that leaves many doubting their talent and individual self-worth, but the social stigma behind the diagnosis can create an increasingly isolated atmosphere during the college experience.
After graduating from a private high school, I realized I not only suffered from IS, but a host of people at Ohio State did as well. Was it normal to rewrite a sentence ten times until it was perfect? Or spend six hours completing a math assignment that should have taken one, to ensure it was done perfectly? Surprise! It isn’t.
But I’m not alone. It wasn’t until I spoke to someone else about it that I realized my symptoms weren’t just me striving for perfection, but reminiscent of a deeper issue, a self-inflicted inferiority complex.
Tabitha Willis, a third-year biology major and anthropology minor, has won countless awards and will be featured in Malala Yousafzai’s new book for her achievements in STEM research. Inside the Morrill Scholarship Learning Community, her grades were high, and her role in community leadership has continuously expanded.
But over a facetime conversation, Willis told me that due to the stress of racial injustice and the pandemic, her own relationship with IS feels like it’s gotten worse.
Have you felt like you’ve experienced Imposter Syndrome?
I have definitely felt Imposter Syndrome before. I grew up on the south side of Chicago in a household of ten and felt privileged just to have both my parents in our home. When I jumped into internships with teens from Chicago’s well off north side I realized just how different my upbringing was. I didn’t feel like I belonged in STEM because I was such an other in every sense of the word. This feeling only intensified after coming to OSU where I have met extraordinary people from everywhere. I felt like I wasn’t smart enough for my major, felt like an extreme outcast for beliefs and I felt minoritized at times.
Have you ever felt like your perfectionism was crippling?
Yes. I feel like people expect less from me so I must not only give them something that goes beyond their expectations, also presents my best self and best work at all times. This is often stressful when balancing so many student organizations, internships and classes all at once. I never want to slip up and have one wrong move define me or my work ethic.
Does IS play into you being a high achiever?
My parents raised me to see my worth and to believe that I can and will do any and everything I want to achieve. However, I always doubt if others will see my potential. I fear that no matter how high my GPA is, or how eloquently I speak or how hard I work others won’t see my potential. This sometimes makes me feel like I shouldn’t apply for certain orgs, programs or opportunities. Nonetheless, I have very high expectations for myself and my future so I try to stay positive and always give myself a shot to take a chance and see what happens when I put myself out there unapologetically.
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After our conversation, and a deep episode of journaling, I realized my own fear originated from being black at a predominantly white institution. The color of my skin doesn’t limit my intellectual ability, a gift to me implanted by my ancestors. I love myself for them and embrace all of my gifts, because I know they didn’t have the opportunity to. So everyday, I try to remind myself of the greatness that lies within me, and within all of us.